As I sat talking with my girl friend, I’ll call her Wren, we chatted happily about Halloween and perhaps a bit cynically about dating and romance. I told her about the story idea I had for writing a paranormal romance story. Soon, Wren and I were engaged in a conversation about this topic, and thus started my list of the top five perils of dating the undead and other creatures of the night.
5. YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY. When we hear stories about Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, and ghosts, they are sometimes sexy, and they are always mysterious. But when was the last time you heard about any of these guys holding a job? As far as I know, they had a limited skill set and kept odd hours, so there are probably few opportunities. No job, no money. So guess who will always have to pick up the tab when you go out to dinner?
4. BAD BREATH. Zombies have cravings for brains, werewolves lust for fresh meat, and vampires’ thirst for blood. I don’t associate these things with fresh, minty breath. I have never seen a movie where one of these folks stopped to brush, floss, and gargle. Perhaps they should add fresh parsley, peppermint, and ginger to their diet for some natural freshening. Otherwise, you should keep a tin of Altoids in your purse.
3. THEY ARE UNRELIABLE. Think about the stories you’ve heard. Werewolves appear only during the full moon, vampires appear when they need to feed, and ghosts appear during hauntings. Where will they be when you have a holiday dinner or wedding to attend? When will you know when to expect them to pick you up to go dancing? Who will you be able to talk to when you’ve had a bad day at the office? (PS-Ghosts have no pockets for cell phones, so you can forget chatting and text messaging!).
2. IT IS NO GOOD WHEN THEY WANT TO EAT…ER…MEET YOUR FAMILY. Relationships have a natural progression. You meet, you go on a date. You date, then you get into a relationship. Once you are in a serious relationship, you meet each others’ families. You could never be sure of your werewolf, zombie, or vampire boyfriend’s motives for meeting your family. Are they happily involved with you and can’t wait to get to know the important people in your life, or are they searching for their next meal?
1. NO HEARTBEAT = NO BLOOD FLOW. Now, this sounds like not so much of a big deal, until you consider the necessity of blood flow and proper circulation for “things” to function properly. And ladies, they really do need to function properly. No amount of little blue pills will fix this problem. Trust me.
So perhaps this reduces the amount of hotties in the dating pool, but that is ok with me. I’d be happy to trade some of the romance associated with vampires in exchange for an average male with a heartbeat and a day job. It might not be so exciting, but I’ll always be sure that he is nibbling on my neck for the right reasons.